Tag Archives: personal

Apology :(

Before I say my piece I find I must apologize while repeatedly bashing my head to the floor in an attempt to bow as low as possible…I really didn’t mean to abandon you all, it’s just that life interrupted…well I’ll get into that now without making further excuses (though I hope you can forgive my selfishness)…..

So, without further ado, I have something I need to get of my chest…

Without trying to sound vain or self-important, I’ve always felt a little misplaced from reality, I don’t know if it’s because of my history (as short as it is), or whatever, but I’ve tended to view life in a color most people would find…strange… Now, here in America that might be what we call individuality, though personally I don’t believe individuality is something that should ostracize an individual….

But still, I digress…the real situation I am running into is this…yes I’ve always felt misplaced, like I really don’t belong, but I’ve always felt at peace with the fact, I had a place just in knowing that even if the rest of the world found me different, in my head and my heart I would always find my place to belong…

Then, without warning or preparation, I was thrust into bachelorhood, the dreaded time when every child has to face the world on their own. Now, the world is crowding in, my head is overflowing, and my heart is heavy…in this storm of “reality” I am losing that place I found so comforting in my childhood, my sense of self is slowly being eroded by the necessities of the daily grind…

I don’t want to lose the magic of my childhood but I fear that in order survive and “grow” up I must…maybe it’s because I’m an artist at heart, but this concept terrifies me, the idea of succumbing to the routine of a “nine to five” life until I retire *shiver* I have no words with which to describe such terror…

So I’m reaching out for help…I have reached the limits of my knowledge and I ask those on here who have come before…how were you, as adults, able to transition from child to adult and still maintain your sense of self? Is it even possible?



I know it’s not the post I promised but it’s something that I find I must get off my chest…

So, I just had one of those ‘Eureka!’ moments. Well actually it was more of a disturbing discovery of a long hidden piece of the puzzle that is my psyche. A piece I’m finding hard to swallow, though surprisingly easy to digest.

You see, I’ve always felt this world to be cruelly apathetic. It’s hard to put into words or describe why it is I feel this way; yet I can easily wrap it up in one nicely packaged word…disgusting.

There in lies the beginning and the end of my problem, I find humanity disgusting.

I’ve seen so much darkness within the human soul, my own included, that I find even the dimmest light to be highly suspicious.

I’ve been betrayed by so many people, so many things, from so many angles; from my parents, to my family and my ‘friends’, from education to faith, love and beyond. The interesting thing is that all of these are things and people one should be able to lean on in times of strife and discomfort; yet at one time or another, in one way or another, each one of these has run me over, picked me up, brushed the dirt from my body, gotten back into the driver’s seat, and proceed to once more run me down.


What a cruel cosmic joke!

Tis no mystery to me why seeing an act of compassion has me questioning the motives of the so-called ‘compassionate’.

The more compassionate one is towards another, the less I trust them. Tis true, I’m more comfortable amidst enemies than I am amongst friends.

Only, I have more friends than enemies. In life I have been blessed with more advantages than disadvantages. I’ve been given more opportunities than most. In the grander scheme of things I truly believe myself to be more blessed than cursed. This is a lot more than most of the human population can claim, even among those living a life of utter luxury.

Still, if the world was to end tomorrow I would honestly not care. If the country was to sink to the bottom of the deepest abyss, I would be more fascinated than distraught. If aliens ever decided to invade us…I can promise you, I would be the first to defect.

I hold no desire to save a people who don’t want to be saved. Now, I consider myself neither a hero nor a villain; it’s just…people strive their whole lives to make an impact on this world, no matter if it’s positive or negative…whereas, I would rather be left alone in relative comfort to watch as humanity, in all its glorious stupidity, drives itself to destruction.

If ever I happen to actually make an impact on my silly brothers and sisters it will come only from my attempt to make a positive impact on myself. This is my selfishness, and yes, I am a selfish person.

In the midst of all this I now realise, it is not the world which is cruelly apathetic, it is me.

What I find most intriguing about this whole scenario is that I’ve only been alive for 22 years. I’m still tragically young, I lack a lot of wisdom, and I’m nowhere near my old miser phase yet. But this is the path life has decided I should walk, and I can only see the path ahead getting darker for I truly believe it will take a miracle to redeem the stain, we as humans, have become.

At the end of the day I can only sigh. For a race with so much potential for greatness we squander it all by acting worse than our monkey cousins…sad…

Okay, now that THAT is off my chest I can get back to writing chapter three…it will be up soon 🙂