I know it’s not the post I promised but it’s something that I find I must get off my chest…

So, I just had one of those ‘Eureka!’ moments. Well actually it was more of a disturbing discovery of a long hidden piece of the puzzle that is my psyche. A piece I’m finding hard to swallow, though surprisingly easy to digest.

You see, I’ve always felt this world to be cruelly apathetic. It’s hard to put into words or describe why it is I feel this way; yet I can easily wrap it up in one nicely packaged word…disgusting.

There in lies the beginning and the end of my problem, I find humanity disgusting.

I’ve seen so much darkness within the human soul, my own included, that I find even the dimmest light to be highly suspicious.

I’ve been betrayed by so many people, so many things, from so many angles; from my parents, to my family and my ‘friends’, from education to faith, love and beyond. The interesting thing is that all of these are things and people one should be able to lean on in times of strife and discomfort; yet at one time or another, in one way or another, each one of these has run me over, picked me up, brushed the dirt from my body, gotten back into the driver’s seat, and proceed to once more run me down.


What a cruel cosmic joke!

Tis no mystery to me why seeing an act of compassion has me questioning the motives of the so-called ‘compassionate’.

The more compassionate one is towards another, the less I trust them. Tis true, I’m more comfortable amidst enemies than I am amongst friends.

Only, I have more friends than enemies. In life I have been blessed with more advantages than disadvantages. I’ve been given more opportunities than most. In the grander scheme of things I truly believe myself to be more blessed than cursed. This is a lot more than most of the human population can claim, even among those living a life of utter luxury.

Still, if the world was to end tomorrow I would honestly not care. If the country was to sink to the bottom of the deepest abyss, I would be more fascinated than distraught. If aliens ever decided to invade us…I can promise you, I would be the first to defect.

I hold no desire to save a people who don’t want to be saved. Now, I consider myself neither a hero nor a villain; it’s just…people strive their whole lives to make an impact on this world, no matter if it’s positive or negative…whereas, I would rather be left alone in relative comfort to watch as humanity, in all its glorious stupidity, drives itself to destruction.

If ever I happen to actually make an impact on my silly brothers and sisters it will come only from my attempt to make a positive impact on myself. This is my selfishness, and yes, I am a selfish person.

In the midst of all this I now realise, it is not the world which is cruelly apathetic, it is me.

What I find most intriguing about this whole scenario is that I’ve only been alive for 22 years. I’m still tragically young, I lack a lot of wisdom, and I’m nowhere near my old miser phase yet. But this is the path life has decided I should walk, and I can only see the path ahead getting darker for I truly believe it will take a miracle to redeem the stain, we as humans, have become.

At the end of the day I can only sigh. For a race with so much potential for greatness we squander it all by acting worse than our monkey cousins…sad…

Okay, now that THAT is off my chest I can get back to writing chapter three…it will be up soon 🙂



4 thoughts on “Apathy”

  1. There is, I would say, something disgusting and horrifying about all living things (and life itself). If you were to wallow bare-footed through the mucky silts at the bottom of a lake, what it is that you fear? (Most likely) You fear that something alive is going to touch you, wriggle through your toes, bite you or lay eggs on you and do things to you. Any living thing is another will, alien and inscrutable to us, and we would be fools to trust them.

    That said, don’t be talkin smack about our monkey cousins! 😉

    Anyways, good post, and I sympathize deeply with your current distress

    1. I agree with you completely…okay, not completely, to me the fact that life in general follows certain guidelines of survival makes it slightly less horrifying and disgusting than humanity. Actually, I find the constant struggle between universal chaos and order incredibly fascinating, it is my greatest muse. But in all of known creation, it is only humanity which laughs at the universe’s rules, and instead of using that freedom to better ourselves as a whole we would rather destroy ourselves in totality…

      Thus I actually like our charming monkey cousins, a lot better than a lot of our human siblings 😉

      Thank you for reading and commenting, I’m glad you enjoyed it 🙂

  2. Good point, I think you’re on to something there. I think it is amusing (and relevant) to note that the evolutionary pathway that led to humanoids began when large areas of land shifted from jungle to savanna and desert due to climate change. Our ancestors were apes, designed for arboreal living, and lived in the jungle. When the areas of jungle began to shrink, our ancestors were outcompeted by monkeys, due to the simple fact that monkeys can digest unripe leaves and fruit, and our ancestors could not. Thusly, our ancestors were forced out of their evolutionary niche. Usually, this is the part of the story where the species dies out, our failure to compete should have marked our unviability, but we managed to survive the conversion by starting to play an entirely different game.

    These great pressures forcing our species to adapt to a radically different habitat are what forged humanity. Out in the savanna, with few trees for shelter, and bigger predators, we took to standing on our hind legs for the sake of seeing further. Eventually, this gave way to fully bipedal locomotion, which freed up our forelimbs. Spared the rigors of locomotion, our hands were able to become more and more specialized at manipulating objects, allowing us to start using tools more effectively. This allowed us to hunt and kill more prey, and the extra protein encouraged a larger brain size. At the same time, in the open world of the savanna, it became beneficial to form bigger and bigger social groups, for the sake of security. Since we had very little hair on our bodies, we were able to regulate our body temperature by sweating rather than panting, which allowed us to develop the tools needed for complex/diverse vocalization. Our specialization in deft manipulation with our hands, our need to adapt to increasing social pressures and organization (the size of an animals frontal lobe is proportionate to the size of their social groups), our flexible tongues and voice boxes, and our posture (which makes birthing very difficult, leading to a need for intensive cooperation in parental care etc.) all influenced the development of our brains into what they have become.

    Damn… that was long, haha. Hope you find my human-evolution shpeal interesting. The main point is this: Humanity became what it is today because we were outcompeted by monkeys.

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