I know it’s not the post I promised but it’s something that I find I must get off my chest…
So, I just had one of those ‘Eureka!’ moments. Well actually it was more of a disturbing discovery of a long hidden piece of the puzzle that is my psyche. A piece I’m finding hard to swallow, though surprisingly easy to digest.
You see, I’ve always felt this world to be cruelly apathetic. It’s hard to put into words or describe why it is I feel this way; yet I can easily wrap it up in one nicely packaged word…disgusting.
There in lies the beginning and the end of my problem, I find humanity disgusting.
I’ve seen so much darkness within the human soul, my own included, that I find even the dimmest light to be highly suspicious.
I’ve been betrayed by so many people, so many things, from so many angles; from my parents, to my family and my ‘friends’, from education to faith, love and beyond. The interesting thing is that all of these are things and people one should be able to lean on in times of strife and discomfort; yet at one time or another, in one way or another, each one of these has run me over, picked me up, brushed the dirt from my body, gotten back into the driver’s seat, and proceed to once more run me down.
What a cruel cosmic joke!
Tis no mystery to me why seeing an act of compassion has me questioning the motives of the so-called ‘compassionate’.
The more compassionate one is towards another, the less I trust them. Tis true, I’m more comfortable amidst enemies than I am amongst friends.
Only, I have more friends than enemies. In life I have been blessed with more advantages than disadvantages. I’ve been given more opportunities than most. In the grander scheme of things I truly believe myself to be more blessed than cursed. This is a lot more than most of the human population can claim, even among those living a life of utter luxury.
Still, if the world was to end tomorrow I would honestly not care. If the country was to sink to the bottom of the deepest abyss, I would be more fascinated than distraught. If aliens ever decided to invade us…I can promise you, I would be the first to defect.
I hold no desire to save a people who don’t want to be saved. Now, I consider myself neither a hero nor a villain; it’s just…people strive their whole lives to make an impact on this world, no matter if it’s positive or negative…whereas, I would rather be left alone in relative comfort to watch as humanity, in all its glorious stupidity, drives itself to destruction.
If ever I happen to actually make an impact on my silly brothers and sisters it will come only from my attempt to make a positive impact on myself. This is my selfishness, and yes, I am a selfish person.
In the midst of all this I now realise, it is not the world which is cruelly apathetic, it is me.
What I find most intriguing about this whole scenario is that I’ve only been alive for 22 years. I’m still tragically young, I lack a lot of wisdom, and I’m nowhere near my old miser phase yet. But this is the path life has decided I should walk, and I can only see the path ahead getting darker for I truly believe it will take a miracle to redeem the stain, we as humans, have become.
At the end of the day I can only sigh. For a race with so much potential for greatness we squander it all by acting worse than our monkey cousins…sad…
Okay, now that THAT is off my chest I can get back to writing chapter three…it will be up soon 🙂